712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

If you’re going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you’ve also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you’re going to have rioting in the streets.

When you are actually powerful, you don’t need to be petty.

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he’s lying. How is that possible?

Isn’t it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?

Bush’s popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president!

Don’t censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.

It’s always funny until the hooker mentions her son.

We’re going to do a challenge. I’m going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare – and we’ll see which happens first.

Get a sense of humor. If you don’t, it’ll be incredibly frustrating.