712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

I don’t trust any country that looks around a continent and says, “Hey, I’ll take the frozen part.”

If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he’s not the problem.

And then you’ve got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He’s basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don’t think Bush is Jewish enough.

Nobody says, hey men should not drink. It’s all about women must dress differently, women must walk differently, women must drink differently. Why are we not able to hold men to account for this behavior?

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn’t quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I’ll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

You’re your own play.

There’s always anxiety when you start a new job, you’re the one guy who doesn’t know where the ketchup is.

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I’ll run that.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn’t steal it. It’s really a throwback to that.