712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy’s heart stops, and you’re the one who has to fix it!

Congress, the legislative stone in America’s urethra.

The problem with the Tea Party is they’re all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Megachurches. I can’t be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

Ah, the first rule of public speaking – always start with a joke.

I’m not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

I’ve always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

High school. You know, people say, ‘I’ll never do so-and-so again’ – then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you’re looking to stay awake.