712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

As long as I don’t end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I’m happy.

You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, “Hey, there’s something wrong with this mirror.”

New York City isn’t Chuck E. Cheese. We don’t have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don’t have any of it right now.

I thought we were out of money!? You can’t simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

Nathan Lane’s Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.

Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It’s using the energy...

I don’t have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.