712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

It’s like hunting cows.

Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it’s the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.

People! Take to the streets and scream ‘BE REASONABLE!’

The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don’t have a regime.

This is what happens when you don’t let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite.

I’m too short to host a late-night talk show. It’s like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If you don’t get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.

Are you worried that, when you go to hell, you’ll only be taking the local and not be on the express? Why would you look for a loophole to deny coverage to children with preexisting conditions?