712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

The last thing we’ll hear is some scientist saying ‘It works!’

Al-Qaeda’s resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration’s math and logic.

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn’t get carved out by poor people.

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don’t go hungry, you’re a moocher?

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they’re going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, “I won’t have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty.”

Technology. It’s like science, only useless.

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won’t have guard dogs.

Don’t worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.