712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

I don’t care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church’s Fried Chicken is a church.

The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie’s Angles because it’s “offensive to the religion of Islam.” Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn’t even know they had.

I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that’s tragic. Because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.

President Bush announced we’re going to Mars, which means he’s given up on Earth.

It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

Models talk to you for six minutes and they’re very nice and they say thank you and then it’s off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.

It’s a wonder our country doesn’t implode.