712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can’t get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.

I’m not a very serious Jew. I don’t wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.

So if you’re negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.

In whose delusional mind is democracy made ‘better’ by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?

If I’d only followed CNBC’s advice, I’d have a million dollars today. Provided I’d started with a hundred million dollars.

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up – rehab and then a stint on VH1.

I can’t sing. Never been able to sing. I can’t do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can’t dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

You’ve confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.