712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

Clearly, I’m way older than everyone.

Typically, when you’re with your friends, premises are coming up left and right. But when you’re on stage, you must create the premise. So you have to create the premise, paint the picture and then deliver the punch line.

Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing. I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don’t get turd lung disease.

Gay people can’t be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What’s the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can’t, he’s adorable.

But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it’s about to attack them.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we’re in a battle between tyranny and freedom – it’s a series of pendulum swings.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it’s pretty much the same as it’s always been. It’s just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

President Bush’s approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he’s being doing.

If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that’s all I would ask for.