712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

Here’s the thing about global warming that I didn’t realize: it would all happen at once.

I mean, I’m not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I’m hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

If your world does not include enough access to different people, and their world does not include enough access to you, you are speaking from ignorance.

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal – in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.

People, if you can’t get through the puns, I can’t give you the good stuff.

They always throw around this term ‘the liberal elite.’ And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What’s more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it’s cool, because it’s not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.

I don’t think marijuana should be illegal.

I can be in 20 movies. But I’ll never be an actor.