712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

I only quote Rabbinical text... there is no dark secret... there is no hidden agenda... I’m merely an arbiter of biblical law.

They create these rules and argue about things we don’t even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you’re sort of amused, but most of the time you’re thinking, pick up the ball! That’s what you’re thinking.

Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president’s re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn’t work, North Korea has to go.

We declared war on terror-it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.

If you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold the debate at your house. Whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach: they have a big tent – you’re just not allowed in it.

The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, ‘Way to try!’

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn’t it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

What’s with the poverty Tourette’s? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?

Spain’s new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain’s 1300 troops from Iraq – meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.