712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

We’re Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.

I feel much more strongly about the abdication of responsibility by the media than by political advocates. They’re representing a constituency.

I’m doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It’s a little thing called “fear of success”.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a ‘Peanuts’ character.

You’re on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on ‘Friends’ is.

Isn’t that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don’t wanna have to go home and change into shorts...

We’ve come from the same history – 2000 years of persecution – we’ve just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music.

I’m thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time’s a charm.