849 Quotes by Lemony Snicket

I saw a woman wearing suspicious lettuce!

I once threw myself down a flight of stairs rather than face even one moment with a milliner, at whose shop I quit working after discovering the sinister truth about her berets, only to find that the paramedic who repaired my fractured arm was a man who had fired me from a job playing accordion in his orchestra after only two and half performances of a certain opera.

Optimist” is a word which here refers to a person, such as Phil, who thinks hopeful and pleasant thoughts about nearly everything. For instance, if an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say, in a pleasant and hopeful voice, “Well, this isn’t too bad. I don’t have my left arm anymore, but at least nobody will ever ask me whether I am right-handed or left-handed,” but most of us would say something more along the lines of “Aaaaah! My arm! My arm!

The passageway was still as dark as a bar of extra-dark chocolate sitting in a planetarium covered in a thick, black blanket.

Don’t be absurd!” Jerome said. “Ruthless kidnapping villains aren’t in!

Sometimes even in most unfortunate of lives there will occur a moment or two of good.

They are stupid, aren’t they?” Dr. Orwell agreed, as though they were talking about the weather instead of insulting young children.

Asinine is a word that sounds like you shouldn’t say it, so when you do say it, people often gasp. This makes it a delicious way of saying ‘not very smart,’ which is all it means.

Stop!” Jerome Squalor pleaded. “In the name of injustice!