95 Quotes by Leo Rosten

The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can’t help it.

PROVERB: “A tavern can’t corrupt a good man, and a synagogue can’t reform a bad one.

In the Catskills, it is claimed that an ingenious gentleman crossbred a Guernsey with a Holstein – to get a Goldstein.

George S. Kaufman, a prince of wit, once remarked that he liked to write with his collaborator, Moss Hart, because Hart was so lucky. “In my case,” said Kaufman, “it’s gelt by association.

A Jew, crossing the street, bumped into an anti-Semite. “Swine!” bellowed the paskudnyak. “Goldberg,” said the Jew, bowing.

What’s green, hangs on a wall and whistles?

Why is sholem used for both “hello” and “good-bye”? Israelis say: “Because we have so many problems that half the time we don’t know whether we’re coming or going.

Words sing. They hurt. They teach. They sanctify. They were man’s first, immeasurable feat of magic. They liberated us from ignorance and our barbarous past.

You can learn much about life from a checker game: surrender one to take two; don’t make two moves at one time; move up, not down; and when you reach the top, you may move as you like.