370 Quotes by Lewis Black

In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.

When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.