370 Quotes by Lewis Black

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

This book also contains what some people call ‘profanity’. I think they’re full of shit.

Humor is how we find comfort in the totally illogical, for it is the bridge back to the logical.

Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.