370 Quotes by Lewis Black

Everybody’s family has different values.

That’s the funny thing about religion: it doesn’t matter what you say, you’re going to upset someone.

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know – because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.

I’ve been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it’s nice, if you’ve put in the time, to achieve that recognition.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that’s on its back and can’t get up; you can’t make jokes about that.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn’t funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, ‘What did he say?’

In Canada I’m not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there’s a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it’s the people of New Orleans.

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling “The British are coming! The British are coming!”

There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.