370 Quotes by Lewis Black

I don’t need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

Oh sure, I have regrets, but that’s the nice thing about age. Regrets fade. And eventually, you die.

The reason I like socialism is that it’s kind of enforced Christianity. It’s basically very Christian, in the sense of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” These people have nothing, so you have to share.

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don’t have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That’s not what I think; that’s what married people think.

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We’ll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: ‘Did I have a thought today?’ You’ll have to go to your ‘Thought’ app!

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I’ll have to eat both!

If you don’t drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I’m still going to be rich.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it’s just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.