370 Quotes by Lewis Black

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I’m not.

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she’ll feel better about herself because she’d been in such a bad marriage.

It’s a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It’s not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they’re supposed to do, and they sure can’t do math!

It’s great that we’re bringing democracy to Iraq. I can’t wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?

I’ve always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, “You want to go to this party and do some networking?”

If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say “FOSSIL”. If he still won’t shut up I throw it at him.

I hammer on a theme until I’m tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you’re still rich.