370 Quotes by Lewis Black

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents – doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don’t tell me, ‘Golf helps you find yourself.’ I’ve been playing my whole life, and I’m still looking for myself.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, ‘I’m running for president.’

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I’d explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o’clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

I’ve always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

There should be a law that you can’t shut down the government – that you don’t have that power.

No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It’s your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn’t mean they bought the rest of your life.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn’t a person. “Excuse me, sir, why haven’t you paid your taxes.” “Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person.” “Well, you look like a person.” “No it’s all done with mirrors, trust me!”

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.