370 Quotes by Lewis Black

In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.

It's 2003. Why can't I teleport?

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

Self-love is a big part of golf.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.

It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?