227 Quotes by Louis C.K.

You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.

I know I’m getting old because there will be times when I’m not even doing anything and I’ll think, ‘I need to go wipe my ass right now.’

If you have something to say, here’s what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out in the lobby, and then you go home and you kill yourself.

Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I’m very suspicious. It doesn’t make sense to me that you’d have the same solution to every issue.

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish – that’s what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.

I don’t think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you’re aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime.

If you’re older, you’re smarter. I just believe that. If you’re in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to ’em. Even if they’re wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.