148 Quotes by Mallory Ortberg

You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.

Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.

Knowledge of death is the beginning of wisdom.

I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased.

Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.

Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.

Someone who responds to "Please don't grope me" with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.

I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.

Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about.