148 Quotes by Mallory Ortberg

We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.

There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to be successful.

Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.

I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney "only" to family members.

The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.

Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.

She was beginning to learn the danger of silence, and that someone who wishes to hear a yes will not go out of his way to listen for a no.

After her mother left, Beauty picked up one of her books and pointed her face at it and turned the pages – almost as if she were reading it.