148 Quotes by Mallory Ortberg

I expect it’s hard for witches... now that most people work in shops and factories, and haven’t any crops to ruin. They must be terribly sad, those witches, to have to go from blighting wheat fields to blighting houseplants.

I should like to get a soul,” said the girl. “The prince has one already. I might have his. I have put my mouth on his mouth, and surely that counts for something, even among savages.

Bridegrooms always know their true brides, through the strategic use of horse heads and love tokens.

I do not welcome Lord Vader quite literally attempting tot shove his religious beliefs down my throat.

Alison had a habit of replying only to a selected portion of David’s conversation, that which she considered worth discussing, and blandly ignoring the rest. It was a terrifically effective strategy; he had never been able to drag her back to a point once she had decided to abandon it.

If you will not marry me,” Mr. Beale said, “perhaps I will die of grief.” Beauty’s expression did not change. “I’m so unused to compliments. I’m afraid that I take them quite seriously.

I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings all of my feelings about you are just so soft and so normal just normal soft feelings that you’re going to love.

Fear being the operative word, and not panic, which is why most of us have learned to start each incident log with a command like “Fear not,” or “Dread not,” or “Be thou not dismayed,” or some other variation thereof.

Does Tess like me?” David asked. “I haven’t the faintest idea,” Alison said. “She hasn’t done anything to suggest she doesn’t, has she?” “No, not exactly, only – she looks at one as though she disapproves of how one parts one’s hair, or spells one’s name, somehow.