148 Quotes by Mallory Ortberg

Then: “A man in a mustache is at the door to see Beauty,” Sylvia said one afternoon. “He looks as though he were going to speak German at me.

Beauty is never private.

I don’t mind it so much when they’re fully dead, you understand. Something that’s supposed to be dead, and is dead, that’s no surprise but there’s something about a creature that GOING to be dead but isn’t yet, something that KNOWS it’s going to be dead and doesn’t want to be. I’ve never liked that.

Perhaps you would not like being married to me,′ Beauty said. ‘I do not know how to talk to people, and I have terrible taste in shirts.