148 Quotes by Mallory Ortberg

what will you do if you go home?i dunnostuff grows out of the ground if you put stuff in itso maybe ill do thatfarming?yeahgo home and put stuff in the ground and no one will take the girls i likeand i hope you all die in this stupid waryou don't mean thatyou don't mean your facewhat?leave me alone

well A of all youre being condecending.what did I say?it wasn't what you said it was HOW you said itand B of all I quit war foreversothat's when I'm coming backwhen I un-forever quit war, which is never, so never

what is thisname remembering day

you'll kill our blood baby but you won't have sex with me

I think female solitude is a mental condition as well as a physical state. You can be married and a spinster. I think spinster is an identity every woman can claim, if she will... I feel like a lot of women, or a lot of feminists, joke about taking to the sea or living alone in a cottage as this kind of fun freedom.

Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.

Everyone wants to be liked; everyone wants approval. No one likes being ignored.

No one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It's a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married.

Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.