148 Quotes by Mallory Ortberg

If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog.

A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.

The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.

There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.

If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us." Only you can help fight ghosting.

There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.

If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.

You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.

As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail; if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics.