83 Quotes by Maria Bamford

I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities... but their moods create weather.

Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

People get really irritated by mental illness.

Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry.

My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.

I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone's listening.

Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love!

Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.

We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good.