210 Quotes by Maria Semple

As much as I try not to engage people in the grocery checkout, I couldn’t resist one day when I overheard one refer to Seattle as “cosmopolitan.” Encouraged, I asked, “Really?” She said, Sure, Seattle is full of people from all over. “Like where?” Her answer, “Alaska. I have a ton of friends from Alaska.” Whoomp, there it is.

Love wouldn’t make being a mother any less boring or draining or bewildering.

The drivers here are horrible. And by horrible, I mean they don’t realize I have someplace to be.

There was no relief deeper than being loved by the person who’d known you the longest.

The world isn’t your friend,” Joe told Eleanor. “It’s not designed to go your way. All you can do is make the decision to muscle through and fight the trend.

If you truly believed you had a benevolent bus driver, and you were certain he was taking you somewhere good, you could just settle in and appreciate the ride.

The penguins that spent most of their time fighting were the ones with no chicks... It’s like they’re supposed to be taking care of their chicks. But because they don’t have any, they have nothing to do with all their energy. So they just pick fights.

That when things go your way, it never makes you as happy as you’d expected, but when things go against you, it’s a cold-water jolt, an unshakable outrage that dogs you forever.

If you’re so hell-bent on placing blame, I suggest you look in the mirror.