253 Quotes by Norm Macdonald

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

Richard Pryor is my favorite stand-up ever.

The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.

A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.

Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.