253 Quotes by Norm Macdonald

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.

I just like doing standup, that’s all I’m interested in or good at.

I’m not gay, so I don’t know much about Broadway musicals.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.

I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don’t know. Probably died.

Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at ’em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y’know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.