253 Quotes by Norm Macdonald

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

You're trying your best to make people laugh; then if you fail, they hate you. But your intent's the same. It's not like you're trying to do evil to them.