460 Quotes by P.J. O'Rourke

All lies are told with a straight face. It is truth that’s said with a dismissive giggle.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

I’m a rather decisive type.

Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.

I wonder if it changes the nature of a society for beauty to be so common. Maybe in Vietnam “She has a wonderful personality” really means something. But I couldnt figure out a polite way to ask.

Who does Bill Clinton think got off the boat and stepped on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers?

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin’s new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that’s a human-rights violation.

Gambling is so pervasive in Nevada that maybe the state should just go the whole hog. There’d be gum machines that dispensed chewing tobacco if you lost. You could gamble for the toilet paper in public bathroom stalls. And fill out Keno cards in an attempt to win cancer therapy at the hospital.

Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you’ve half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you’re doing a hundred miles an hour in a suburban side street.