169 Quotes by Paul Reiser

I’m not smart enough to write about something that didn’t actually happen to me. But I couldn’t write a space movie if you put a gun to my head.

The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon’s Xbox.

By shrewdly linking procreation to an act likely to make you stupid with excitement, God has seen to it that Life does indeed go on. It’s possible, by the way, that this is why God’s name comes up so often in the middle of the act; it’s a salute to the author: Hey, whoever made this up – thanks.

And in that time, I lost my dad and had kids of my own. It was like, OK, I get it now. I know what fatherhood is all about. And you look at your parents differently.

My wife would say my worst habit is that I’m not good at dropping subjects. If something bothers me, I’ll bring it up endlessly and relentlessly. I think it’s a search for clarity, but she uses different words.

Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It’s a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you’re never not aware that someone else got the real job.

We had the boy’s name picked out, but we didn’t have a girl’s. When he turned out to be a boy, we were so relieved. Literally, in the middle of contracting and pushing, and with my wife being drugged – out and half – lucid, we were still coming up with names.

The most rewarding part about being a dad is just looking at children who didn’t exist at some point. The first time you saw them, they were the size of a quarter, in a sonogram, and now they can pour orange juice and yell at each other.

Field of Dreams is the only movie – and I saw it in the theater – on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn’t get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time.