110 Quotes by Pete Holmes

It took me over three decades to realize you're not supposed to think about paintings, flowers, or God, you're supposed to merge with them.

I was always drowning in my own humanity, forever a spectator to the love and oneness I had heard stories about, like I had been sent away from the party for wearing the wrong clothes. But in this moment, I realized no one had the authority to send me away. There was no doorman. I was the doorman. Hell, I was the party.

I know it sounds strange, but I look back on my depression fondly. So much anxiety in my life comes from not knowing what to do or how to behave, but everyone knows how to be sad.

The strangest thing about becoming an atheist was how little things changed. With no divine rules or threat of eternal punishment hanging over my head, I still somehow managed to not lie, cheat, steal, or kill anybody. Although to be honest, I was a little confused as to why we weren't lying, cheating, or stealing. Not killing people still made sense, but why, for example, should we not steal some peanut butter crackers from the unmanned mini-mart in this Holiday Inn?

I felt far more Christlike when I stopped calling myself a Christian.

Keep it crispy.

Be persistent and just keep going to open mics no matter what, even if just to watch and not perform. You’ll find that even at your worst keep your head up because you’ll still be better than other people’s best.

I’m trying to manufacture a sleepover feel; like a tree house or a clubhouse. I want people to be silly and play and feel safe and some people, you have to coax them into that space and some people bring me further into that space, even past the point that I wanted to go.

If you have a friend with a blond mustache, he wants to touch you.