110 Quotes by Pete Holmes

When you slide into television, no one tells you exactly how manage expectations and work with your staff.

The beautiful thing about stand-up advice is that it applies to anybody, any gender, any race, any age. The best thing you can do - everybody will tell you - is get on stage as much as you can. I would add to that: get on stage as much as you can - with the people you admire.

Sometimes I liken the comedian's lifestyle a little bit to a firefighter's in the sense that there's a lot of waiting and a lot of nothingness. And then there are moments of urgent firefighting.

When I started, I was very deliberate about making friends with people like John Mulaney who were really funny and wanted to go up and do as many open mics as I did.

It's hard to control the things that are going to inspire you.

Ideally, a good pastor wants to empower a congregation to the point where they don't need him. You want everyone to leave feeling better.

My mom wanted me to be a youth pastor, and when I became a comedian, she said it was close enough.

There's something about a podcast that feels like two people in a closet with the lights off.

I used to just want so badly to have afterlife insured and make sure I was going to heaven.