43 Quotes by Peter Sagal

After Luis Suarez of Uruguay bit an Italian opponent in the shoulder, two things happened. Suarez was thrown out of the rest of the tournament, and the player he bit turned Uruguayan.

I am now gay 'cause I have watched Ronaldo.

With two years till the nomination, both [Joe] Biden and [Hillary] Clinton are positioning themselves to be the Democratic nominee. And are they stressing their experience, their ideas, their excellent hair? No. They've been talking about their poverty.

Hillary Clinton, told a reporter that she and Bill aren't truly well-off, even though they're incredibly rich because they pay income taxes like everybody else. In fact, she says, they were so poor when they left the White House, they could hardly afford Bill's website memberships.

[Joe] Biden countered. He was speaking at a summit for working families, and he said he had no stocks, no bonds, or a savings account. He then asked a Secret Service agent to hand him his hobo bindle, and he jumped a freight train back to D.C.

In a surprising unanimous ruling, the Supreme Court ruled the police cannot search what is on your phone without a warrant. Court observers said a unanimous decision from this court was slightly less likely than Scalia winning the annual Supreme Court wet robe contest.

If you are using search data to decide what's fashionable, you are not fashionable.

There's a common saying that everybody deep at heart loves their mother, except sometimes we decide our actual mothers don't measure up. And so we look for a replacement.

In the ruling, Justice Roberts, who wrote the decision, referred to cell phones as not just phones but, quote, "cameras, video players, rolodexes, calendars, tape recorders, libraries, and diaries," unquote. Plus, he went on, best friends, lovers...