81 Quotes by Red Skelton

I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.

I left home because I was hungry.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.

I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose leaving hurt most. In fact, the only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't meet one particular guy, a clown named Joe Skelton. You know, he sure picked the right profession. I mean, a clown's got it all. He never has to hold back: He can do as he pleases. The mouth and the eyes are painted on. So if you wanta cry, you can go right ahead. The make up won't smear. You'll still be smiling. . . .

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.

I only come to life when there are people watching.