81 Quotes by Red Skelton

Today’s comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They’re shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they’ll come out for it.

I won’t mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn’t heard.

I just want to be known as a clown, because to me that’s the height of my profession. It means you can do everything – sing, dance and above all, make people laugh.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn’t making money, they’d put me away.

I don’t pick on politicians. They ain’t done nothin’.