41 Quotes by Richard Jeni

When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

There is no romance without some lying. That’s what romance is – a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’

You know what the average person is? Average.

That’s why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson – he’s one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.