41 Quotes by Richard Jeni

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you’re wrong?

Choosing to have a child you can’t take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it’s everyone else’s problem.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street – genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can’t be wrong!

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn’t higher education, this was Amway with a football team!