339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.

I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.