339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.