339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

After you’ve dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what’s wrong with them so the next person doesn’t have to start from scratch.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, ‘I gotta go to Broadway.’

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.’

I’m a very simple person. I’m very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that’s me.

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It’s the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It’s a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn’t ever been done before. Well, she didn’t have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

I just don’t get cats. To me, they’re a waste of fur.