64 Quotes by Robert Klein

According to one account of the New York City schools during the 1950s: The teacher could not technically hit the child, but the old crones found ways of skirting the rules. The push-probe-pull method was popular, in which the teacher would not hit you, but would poke you with her gnarled, witch-like fingers and grab your face like a taffy pull until you screamed. ... The pull-and-choke was also a favorite. It was executed by pulling the compulsory necktie up like a noose, until the errant boy's face turned the school colors.

In the fifties I had dreams about touching a naked woman and she would turn to bronze or the dream about hot dogs chasing donuts through the Lincoln Tunnel.

I was in the De Witt Clinton Hight School marching band. One of the worst bands ever formed. When we played the national anthem, people from every country stood – except Americans.

My son has been a class clown and it sort of ran in the family.

And the only studies were – Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.

The ’50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the ’60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.

I have a work-out regime; I am not a maniac. It sounds cliche, but stand-up comedy, doing a one-man show, helps keep me young, and yes, it is exhausting, but I don’t collapse.

In the book of things people more often do wrong than right, investing must certainly top the list, followed closely by wallpapering and eating artichokes.

Comedy has lost its eloquence.