12 Quotes by Robert Schimmel

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

I’m not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can’t do it.

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn’t it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

How do blind people know when they’re done wiping their ass?

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that’s painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that’ll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That’ll be nice, when you’re trying to get out and a real whale’s humping your window.

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: You know, maybe you’re suffering from premature ejaculation. Yeah, does it look like I’m suffering? Those aren’t tears on your belly.

It’s my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.

It’s fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. ‘Do you know why I pulled you over?’ Because I have pot in the glove compartment?