12 Quotes by Robert Schimmel

If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, ‘Now what have we learned by this?’ Never let a mannequin drive your car.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.”

You know you’re out of shape when you have a heart attack when you’re watching television.