569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.