569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.